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The official "THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW" page.  (Send your ideas for this list to the Webmaster.)


We run into many things in our everyday lives that just aren't...well...STANDARD.  This list is an effort to correct those faults and standardize the irregularities of life. 

1.  MUTE BUTTON  How often do you reach for a remote control to MUTE a program, only to have to search for the mute button?   THERE OUTTA BE A LAW to put the mute button in the same position on every remote.

2.  IGNITION KEYHOLE  You ever notice that every make, every model, every manufacturer has to have the ignition keyhole in a different spot?  So you look like a fool whenever you get into a rented car or friend's car or spouse's car and stick the key where you expect the ignition keyhole to be, only to stick the key into some inappropriate place on the dashboard or steering column.

3.  STARTING TIME FOR TV SHOWS  Oh, those Network Executives think they're soooooo smart.  First they quit putting commercials between TV shows.  Then they started the shows a minute or two before the hour.   Okay, that may be fine for a keep-the-viewer-hooked gimmick, but if you have VCR Plus you're out of luck for the beginning of the show.  Let's see TV Guide list the REAL start times!

4.  SODA POP SIZES  Here's something that should be standardized by law.  A "large" soda pop one place is a "giant" another place, or a "super size", or a "humongous."   Howzabout listing beverages by fluid ounces rather than some imaginary size? 

5.  TOILET FLUSHING KNOBS (Yeah, there must be a real term for these thingies)  When you're in a strange bathroom in the middle of the night on an Important Mission, it ain't always easy to fiddle around and find the lever that flushes.  Some are on the front, some are on the side, some are buttons, some are pushed on the back side instead of the front side.  This is probably the Number Two Toilet Gripe, right after "putting down the seat."

6.  WANT A "HOGGIE" BAG?  When going out to eat, the quantity of food is WAY too much.  There outta be a law that smaller amounts should be available.

7.  GUYS DINE OUT  It's happening everywhere -- go out to eat and you're referred to as "you guys" in a restaurant.  "Are you guys ready to order?" "Do you guys want refills?" "Did you guys want any dessert?"   There must be an Official Server Training Academy that offers the course Guys 101.   Come on...drop the "guys"!!

8.  MORE DINING STUFF  There outta be a law at restaurants that prohibits wait people to ask you "How you are doing?", "How is your meal?", "Can I get you anything else?", while you have food in your mouth!!  They must be standing right behind you and once they've seen you take a bite -- that's when they come to your table. They must think, "They've got food in their mouth, now is the prime time to check on the table."  Can't talk with food in your mouth so then I guess you can't complain!!

9.  NOT WHEN YOU ASK THAT WAY  And still more about dining out: who came up with the worst comment a server can possibly make at the end of the meal: "Did you need change?"  How rude!  What a perfect way to make the tip smaller!   Whatever happened to "I'll bring you your change." to which the diner says "No, keep the change."  Let's stop this awful practice NOW!

10.  HELLO, CAB DRIVERS!  Here's a tip to any chamber of commerce:  train your city's cabbies.  It's not much of a treat to arrive to a cab driver who either does not speak English or does not care to speak.  A big "hello", "where are you from?" and so on can go a long way towards that all-important First Impression.   And another thing -- why do all cab drivers' licenses make them look like wanted criminals?

11. TURN SIGNAL BLUES  There are so many complaints about turn signals -- people who don't use them, people who leave them on, etc.  But our favorite are the people who turn on the signal AFTER the actual turn has commenced!  WHY??  Exactly what purpose does this serve?   Some "driver's ed" instructor probably didn't get the point across.